


Hard Days

by UltimateOptimist



Series: Sam Seaborn hurt/comfort series [2]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:54:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26275225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateOptimist/pseuds/UltimateOptimist
Summary: Sam has hard days...he doesn't talk about them...but then things build up.
Relationships: Ainsley Hayes/Sam Seaborn, C. J. Cregg/Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn, Sam Seaborn/Toby Ziegler
Series: Sam Seaborn hurt/comfort series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902520
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Hard Days

**Author's Note:**

> More hurt Sam - This begins to touch on some quite dark thoughts and could be triggering to those who have had suicidal thoughts or low mood.  
> Speaking from experience if this is you please get help because it does get better - promise. 
> 
> Cannot help when I watch to wonder whether Sam is sometimes just putting on a good show.
> 
> Disclaimer not my characters...sadly....

Some days it is really difficult for Sam Seabourn to get out of bed. He’s had a week of those days. He could blame exhaustion, after all in the past week they’ve pulled more all-nighters since the campaign trail, but truthfully it has been a reoccurring problem since his days at Princeton. 

He talks about those days fondly to anyone who will listen but no-one knows about the harder days, those days where he missed class, the particularly spectacular semester which nearly derailed his GPA where he missed most Fridays, and Monday’s for that matter. He doesn’t discuss how studying for the bar had him thinking about driving his car dangerously – so the universe could decide whether his life was worth keeping safe (in the end it was fear of hurting others which stopped that.)

Today is a Friday, and Sam has to wonder what it is about Friday’s which are so difficult. It seems a bad day is often a Friday. This one has been building for a while – he’s felt flat for a few weeks, his writing diminished for the last week or so. Everything is just so tiring. Eating, talking, writing, sleeping. He knows that this job is not supposed to be easy – but it should be exciting, inspiring. There just seems to be too many hits lately – too many arguments, too many changes.

He winces as he thinks about yesterday – Toby was doing nothing but sending barbs about his writing during staff. He didn’t even manage one drink at the bar - instead he passed over CJ’s invitation and raced home prior to any questions about why he wasn’t coming. 

He then spent the entire evening curled up on his sofa, staring at a muted TV and some half baseball game. After staring blankly at the tv for hours he went to bed for a 4 hour restless sleep only to wake up with his alarm again. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Where were you last night?” Josh asked as soon as he spots Sam. He glances at the clock on the west wing bullpen briefly, noting that Sam was 20minutes later then normal. Sam nods but doesn’t slow down his approach to his office. 

He smiles a quick good morning to Ginger and Bonnie as he comes in.

“Well good morning Josh, I was at home” Sam replies, one hand idly rubbing at his eyes. God he is tired this morning. Josh sighs and restarts the conversation – aware that his first sentence was a little confrontational. Truth was he was disappointed, he was looking forward to spending some time out of work with the senior staff team. Now looking at how tired Sam looks – he’s actually more concerned.

“Morning, you alright? You look awful.” Josh frowns, tactful as ever. Sam looks exhausted and drawn. 

“Fine” Sam insists, dropping his briefcase on the floor. “What times senior staff?” He asks to change the subject – Josh raises an eyebrow at his snappish tone, closing Sam’s office door behind them.  
“In 15…” Josh replies, “Seriously Sam…” 

“Josh I’m fine, just a long week…..I’m going to grab some coffee” Sam sighs. 

Josh stands and lets him go 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam wakes up the Monday after Portland and really cannot face going to work. So he rings in sick – speaks to Toby who is unusually concerned. He just can’t face it, he cites a stomach bug, which is the easiest thing to not be asked several more questions about. He sighs as he hangs up, the guilt of lying makes his self -loathing only grow. It’s pathetic really, but he just cannot face a day there or the meetings, the arguments….it’s all just feels too hard. When did this become so hard again? When did work, conversation, bathing, eating become so difficult? He pushes the thoughts away, instead rolling back over and pulling the covers over his head – sleep first, maybe if he slept, he’d feel better. And he does most of the day, turns out he doesn’t feel much better – he’s rested enough to consider a run, but he’s concerned he might be spotted by someone, this is DC after-all. He rolls out of bed at 4pm and pulls on his trainers, a fresh sweatshirt briefly checking his phone. He has several messages - Josh texts him, as does CJ wishing him well soon. Sam feels a pang that normally he would have had a phone call from Josh, or an offer of a grocery run. The message is short – they both are. Sam tries not to take it personally, the senior staff are all stressed, all exhausted and they’re approaching midterms. They don’t have time for long conversations, or grocery runs or concern which flows over 1 single message. He decides to grab his running shoes anyway, suddenly itching to be out of his apartment, pulls on a cap and runs for an hour. 

The second day comes and Sam’s been awake since 2am – which is not surprising since he slept through the first day. He wakes up feeling restless, he breaks a mug and a glass just trying to make breakfast so he forgoes it. He sighs, checking the clock – 6.30am and rings Toby again telling him he’s still not 100% - but he’ll be in tomorrow. 

“I uh….I can do some work at home if you like?” Sam offers, grimacing at the thought of trying to write anything today. 

“You still feverish?” Toby asks, voice bland as always.

“Uh..yeah” Sam lies, the guilt lying like lead in his stomach – but also hoping that it is the right answer to let him off today. 

“Then rest up,” Toby orders – voice firm but there is a softness to it that if Sam thinks hard enough about he might just cry. Feeling a little choked he manages a thanks around the lump in his throat and cancels the call.   
He laces up his shoes and goes for a run not even thinking about being spotted when he should be sick. Truth is, Sam just isn’t sure he cares enough if he was. He runs for an hour before he even glances at his watch.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“That Sam?” CJ asks as she hovers in Toby’s doorway. 

“Yeah,” Toby replies leaning back in his seat. He can’t help the gnawing feeling in his gut that something isn’t quite right with this. Sam’s voice on the phone confirms it – Sam is nothing but apologetic when he feels he is letting you down, and annoyingly articulate. For a week he has rarely heard Sam say more than 5 sentences in one go, nor did he apologise for not coming in. Not only that but Sam is rarely sick, let alone off sick, – in fact the last time he was ill he came in with a 101 fever and an inability to talk thanks to Tonsillitis – so to have Sam ring in and not even attempt work means the stomach bug is either knocking 10 bells out of him, or he is lying. Toby isn’t stupid – they’ve all had some hard knocks lately but Sam more so recently – he’s often chastised for his moral compass, he got his ass-kicked on TV by a woman who now works here, his temper is worse, his best friend nearly died – and now he’s stuck with his writing. Toby grimaces at how he coped with that – no words of support but to chastise him for not saying sooner and ripping apart his education reform idea. Not the older man’s finest, most encouraging moment.

“He still sick?” CJ asks with a frown. 

“Yeah,” he sighs finally looking at his friend. 

“Funny timing isn’t it?” CJ asks as if reading the director of communications mind. Sometimes Toby hates working with some of the smartest people in the USA. 

“Yeah” Toby raises his eyebrows, face plain in disbelief.

“You think I should go see him?” CJ offers. 

“No..he says he should be back tomorrow, let’s see then.” Toby picks up his pen, still deep in thought about his absent deputy.

“Ok” CJ nods and walks to her office.

XXXXXXXXX

Sam musters up the energy and inclination to go to work mid-week. He really cannot afford another day off, and he’s also coming back on a day with no meetings – no politics of playing nice, no deals just writing hopefully – lots of writing. 

He sighs as he spots himself in the mirror – dark circles from his insomnia and poor sleeping pattern. He realises it may play to his favour as someone returning to work from illness, not…the other thing. Sam doesn’t name these episodes but he is aware what it is – he is depressed. It comes and goes – often episodes that are no longer as severe as college but enough to lay him low for a weekend, a week, several days. This is the worst it has been in years – since well Gage Whitney. Lisa knew – she helped or well tried to. His hands tremble on the sink as he thinks about the last time – where it got so bad he didn’t eat for 4 days, he barely slept for a month. That particular episode ended up in a trip to the ER with dehydration and exhaustion – he was discharged with antidepressants (not the first time he has taken them), which he took for several months and some outpatient sessions. It helped, the sessions gave Sam an outlet – tools to help when he was feeling like this and a perspective of where they might come from. Sadly when he feels like this the inclination to try these again seems so much effort when all he can barely muster the energy to tie his shoes. This time he is working in the Whitehouse – he cannot afford a month or so off. His pager interrupts his thoughts – it’s Leo’s office. Sighing he leaves the bathroom and picks up his jacket, calling the number as he locks up the apartment.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It must be karma that the first person he bumps into is Ainsley, she smiles at him. 

“Hey Sam, welcome back you feeling better?” Ainsley looks at him and Sam cannot help but squirm under the scrutiny.

“Yeah thanks”, his smile is so tight he can almost feel his jaw grinding. The truth is it isn’t the fact he’s talking to Ainsley – he actually likes the woman, she’s smart and has the same conviction Sam…had…has….when addressing her views – they just often are the opposing side. In truth after his initial reservations, and in all honesty embarrassment of his appearance on Capital Beat, he really thinks that she is going to be great to the Bartlett administration.

Ainsley seems to read his mood, she places a gentle hand on his arm – sensing their now at least allies after redecorating her office. 

“I’m glad you’re back,” She smiles genuinely and takes her leave to her office. Sam is so taken back by this he doesn’t get a chance to say goodbye – but the small smile he manages is the first genuine smile in weeks.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“You need me there?” Sam asks trying very hard to concentrate on the senior staff meeting – the room feels oppressively hot, although Sam is aware this is likely more his discomfort, and feeling as if he is in a goldfish bowl. Josh doesn’t get a chance to open his mouth – truthfully it would be good to have Sam there for any discussion about the environment – but looking at the state his best friend is in he thinks it would be better for Sam to have a quieter morning. Sam looks pale and tired, which given the fact he’s coming off a few days of sick leave is not to be expected.

“I need you stay here, we need to draft the Chicago Speech” Toby cuts in. It’s subtle but there’s a look between his boss and best friend which suggests that he’s not as needed on the speech as claimed. It bristles him a little – A) Because he doesn’t think he can write today, he’s distinctly uninspired. B) Once again, he is being left off and undermined. 

“I can…” Sam begins to protest but is shut down by Toby staring him down. 

Leo decides to step in – reading the weird dynamic between the three senior staff. “ Sam it’s ok. Write the speech – I do need you to meet with Anderson at 4, we need him to swing the vote on the new labour bill.”   
Sam settles a bit at this – at least he’s trusted to do one thing. He doesn’t look at Toby or Sam for the rest of the meeting, instead fluctuating between looking at Leo and his hands.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The almost landing of Galelo is almost enough to get Sam excited again. For the first time in weeks he feels a spark of passion, excitement – he manages to write the introduction to the NASA segment on the spot. It’s a spontaneity he hasn’t had for months and he is excited. 

CJ watches with a smile as their youngest team member shows off, as she turns her head she spots Toby with a small smile – it’s almost enough to make them think their friend is more on track.   
The excitement lasts all of an hour because then he is at the Kennedy centre. He forces a tight smile and grabs the first champagne flute he sees – drinking half of it before taking a breath. He’s really grown to dislike these things lately – the polite conversation, the constant schmoozing it just feels a bit too much. Luckily he is rescued by CJ who lets them know the president and the box is ready.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX 

“Thought you were at the Kennedy centre?” Toby asks from Sam’s office doorway, startling the man sitting at his desk.

“Russia,” Sam shrugs, happy to be back at his desk and office – hiding. 

“You should go home” Toby suggests, concerned at how tired the younger man looks.

“Yeah I should” Sam agrees, rubbing his hands across his face. 

“You alright to get home?” Toby asks, watching his deputy stumble as he stands up. It’s that loaded tone again – as if asking another question. Sam walks over to pick up his jacket from the back of his chair.  
Sam doesn’t trust his voice, so he nods and focuses on getting his coat on so he doesn’t have to look at Toby.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

“Heard from Sam?” Toby asks as they sit waiting for the president. Immediately Josh drops his pen from where he is scribbling on a legal pad. It’s a few weeks after the Kennedy centre, and Toby can’t help but notice how withdrawn their friend is. He works the same hours as normal – but he often sits in his office, door closed and rarely eats lunch with anyone from the team.

“No,” Josh sighs, rubbing a hand across his face tiredly. He is starting to become really concerned about Sam. He’s also a little bit pissed off – because Sam right now is not firing on all cylinders, so he’s pissed off that they are all trying to not only cover Sam’s work, but also that they all didn’t really appreciate his input until it is glaringly absent.

“Damn it,” Toby sighs. He knows this not a good sign – if Sam isn’t talking to Josh, then he’s in all likelihood not talking to anyone. 

“I’ll keep an eye on him” Josh promises.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The Whitehouse has over plans however – and they are all so busy that despite Josh’s promise he is struggling to keep up with everything, attend therapy himself and watch his best friend. So admittedly, he doesn’t reach out much or particularly hard. He texts Sam one evening about pizza, which he gets no reply to, then Sam rainchecks drinks after work or a game and beer at the weekend. Josh stops trying after that – tired himself.  
Sam turns up everyday, completes any and all tasks assigned to him – albeit with only some of his usual vigour, he goes home as often as he can, and avoids the bars of DC. On the weekends where he doesn’t need to work he spends most of his time on the sofa or out running. It cannot last though as there is now the re-campaign trail. Sam helps plan the route he has endless debates with Josh about strategy but he cannot help but compare to how he felt last time. There’s no excitement. There’s just a feeling of foreboding and dread. He still is not sleeping well, and the constant tightness in his jaw, and the grinding of his teeth at night is giving him an almost permanent headache and jaw pain.

“Samshine? You want lunch?” CJ asks from his doorway as Sam tries to rewrite a section of the latest school reform bill. It’s been a particular trying morning with Josh Toby and Leo – lots of debate and discussion that he didn’t feel like he could contribute to. He tried – but either his brain isn’t as sharp as normal, or he’s being shut down for poor ideas…Sam honestly cannot say which it is anymore – he has no perspective on it. Sam prefers the writing of legal documents now -more legal writing, key phrasing. It’s easy to write these when he feels like this – he doesn’t have to be passionate. Hard to write emotional, riveting speeches when you feel flat and tired.

“I’m ok thanks,” Sam doesn’t even look up from his desk. 

He hates when they send CJ, he knows that Josh in particular has been concerned lately, since starting therapy his friend has been doing a lot better. Sam’s relieved, he’s happy to see Josh’s shoulders relax, less flaring of his temper, less phone calls in the morning but now he seems more focused on everyone else and Sam is the top of his list. Sam knows the other three are talking about him – he just cannot bring himself to care. Its harder with CJ though – she is softer, more insightful and it’s harder to lie to her. Sam finds it is easier not to look at her. 

“Sam?” CJ shuts his door, voice more serious – and Sam’s stomach lurches at how concerned she sounds. He cannot deal with this, not here, not now. The younger man’s hands tremble despite the grip on his pen. CJ’s really worried now, she can see how tight the man’s shoulders are drawn. He’s like a string pulled taught.

“Sam, are you ok? I’m worried about you….we are all are…..” CJ asks sitting on the edge of his desk.

Sam isn’t sure why, after weeks of feeling like this, why it’s those words, at that time that makes the lump in his throat nearly choke him. He can feel tears biting at his eyelids because god he is so tired. He bites his lip, and keeps his eyes focused on the legal pad.

“I’m ok,” Sam tries to keep his voice level but his voice cracks and he drops his pen. 

CJ rubs his back comfortingly and that breaks Sam – it’s the first act of kindness he can remember in a really long time. He buries his face in his hands and just…cries. After several minutes Sam manages to stop himself, she hears him taking a deep breath and lets out a shaky exhale. Giving him a moment CJ stands up and pulls his blinds shut. She steps out for a moment to let ask Bonnie not to disturb the two of them for the next hour or so. She gives herself a moment to grab two mugs of coffee, and collect her thoughts. She realises that she has never seen their youngest team upset – not after Rossyln, not in all the years she has known him. She feels sick at the thought Sam has felt like this for so long, and has never said anything. 

She can feel someone watching her as she pours in the cream – looking up she sees Toby lingering in his office doorway, she nods to him - she’s got Sam. As she opens the door she can see Sam has not moved at all but the slight shake of his shoulders has stopped.

“Sam? Talk to me….” CJ pulls up a chair, body language open. 

Sam takes a moment – how does he even try and explain this?

“I just….I don’t know,” Sam sighs with a shrug. CJ sits close enough so their shoulders are touching. 

“Ok, well then how about we can sit here, drink coffee….and you can talk if you want” CJ offers. Sam just nods wordlessly.

XXXXXXXXX

CJ and Sam don’t mention his office again after that – but Sam can see it plainly on her face the next day at staff she is worried – Josh hadn’t barged around his apartment last night so he presumes she hasn’t said anything.   
CJ doesn’t get a chance to say anything to anyone and then there is the drop in. None of the staff have ever seen Sam that angry – ever. The sheer anger which he speaks to Toby Josh and Leo is electrifying and the volume made sure everyone in the bullpen are aware of the deputy communication director’s feelings. CJ sighs as Sam leaves Toby’s office.

“Shit,” Josh groans into his hands. 

“Yeah, that sums it up” CJ sighs. She cannot believe they’ve done this to Sam - their Sam. It’s on the tip of her tongue to tell them about Sam’s breakdown the week before because she is really worried about the young man, but there was something so painfully raw in that moment, so private about it that the press secretary cannot bear to break that secret. So she swallows the lump in her throat and promises to go find him in 20 minutes or so.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Damnit Sam,” CJ groans as she hangs up the phone. Sam is not answering.

“He still not picking up?” Josh asks sitting opposite her. 

“I’m worried Josh, I am really worried about him.” CJ admits – Josh feels the hairs on his neck rise – something really doesn’t feel right.

“You spoke to Sam yet?” Leo’s voice comes from the left of Josh – he is hovering in the doorway, uncharacteristically hesitant. Sam being so angry has thrown them all off-kilter. 

“No…I think he might be in trouble….” CJ admits and Josh is on his feet before he can even think about it. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

CJ is right Sam is in trouble – he’s been pacing in his apartment for the last 10 minutes trying to centre his thoughts. He feels sick, heart pounding so hard that he can feel it in his head and between his eyes – it’s like having some twisted migraine. 

Sam had grabbed a bottle of scotch from the bookcase, and he lines up the bottles of prescription medication on his desk. He stares at them for a while – not really sure what he is doing, why he has lined up the medication on his coffee table. Could he really do this? Should he do this? Who even is he anymore – he has no drive, no passion, no energy. He gave up his life in New York, his fiancé, for….for this the Whitehouse. The place where he is not trusted, not accepted, not….not wanted. He has no friends – not really, the friends he has are work people - political people.

Josh hesitates as he reaches the door – he knows Sam is mad – actually not just mad but irate and hurt at being left out of the loop. There’s a sense of foreboding makes him nauseous – there was something in his best friend’s face tonight which hit a nerve. 

“Sam?” Josh’s voice is unsure as he lets himself in with the spare key his friend gave him for emergencies. He doesn’t register what’s going on at first – Sam doesn’t reply, his back to him as she sits on the sofa staring at the coffee table. Josh eyes the bottle of alcohol, and the various pill bottles and hates how far things have gotten.

“Sam?” He chokes.

**Author's Note:**

> I may write a second part...but I have so many plot bunnies


End file.
